The Duality of Loss

So many people describe their first heartbreak as both crushing, yet also providing the motivation for them to improve themselves, to rise from the ashes. Rock bottom, or hitting the point of not recognizing oneself is the embodiment of patheticness, of failure, yet it provides the toolkit, or the motivation to improve.

It would seem that the failures, or deficiencies in a person impact them more than what they are sufficient in. For instance, if I’m good at social skills, except to waiters, I’m likely to have servers jump over the moon when I sleep, rather than the sheep, who are on vacation. We place a lot of thought, or at least I do, into what I’m absolutely terrible at.

Yet, there appears to be this odd contradiction.

1. The stuff that we really suffer from are taboo. Unhappy marriages, traumatic experiences, substance abuse, insecurity, fear.
2. The stuff we grow from most are things that are deeply important to our personal identities, to how we see ourselves.
3. Everyone seems to want to know how to succeed and wants advice about doing so

When I was young, my best friend killed himself. He took a shotgun and painted the walls. The next year, I barely wanted to leave my house, I refused to trust anyone. I failed inter-personally in a wide array of things. Over the next few years, my father left my life and I struggled emotionally. I pushed my anger, bitterness, and sadness into getting really good at debate. The thought was, I couldn’t control other parts of my life, but I could tend this part of my personality. I became really good at it, and I learned to think outside the box, and was pushed into virtuous cycles of improving my social skills, feeling less alone, and continuing to improve. Despite having no other major talents, (I have a couple minor ones) I was chosen by my peers to speak at my graduation.

Trauma has been really formative to me. It’s taught me empathy, made me into a better listener, and gave me grit. Many of my best friends come from divorced families.

One thing I heard which I find interesting to think about is that one’s greatest strength is one’s greatest weakness. Seems sort of like a Red Queen situation, where some days who you are benefits you. Other times you feel terrible.