Apologizing is Difficult: Some Lessons I’ve Learned

This week, I had a bit of a communications kerfuffle where I didn’t clearly communicate to my roommates my plan for moving. By failing to communicate clearly, I frustrated them and led to a situation where my girlfriend, who’s going to take over my lease is concerned that she’s unwelcome in my lease.

I could have definitely done a lot better in approaching the situation, but something I am glad I did was give my roommates space to be frustrated with me. Rather than dodging my responsibility, I tried to accept it, validate it, and appreciate their concerns. This was something that was uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk about it briefly on the blog.

I was scared about broaching the topic, because sometimes it feels like acknowledging a mistake can make it worse. From growing up, when I tried to take accountability for things, it felt like there wasn’t a relenting in the torrent of criticism. This was not a lesson I should have absorbed in general. Most of the time, when I actually listen and take the time to respect people’s perspectives, rather than it leading to someone lording this over me to use at a later time, people want to move past things.

Here are a couple of things that I think help in apologies.

1. Making space to listen to the other person’s perspective. Oftentimes what you did wrong may not be something you completely understand. After all, if you understood it, it would be harder to make that mistake. Listening to the other persons’ perspective allows you to clarify what exactly you are apologizing for, and what you maybe want to align on
2. Ease into and out of the conversation. Some people are on the avoidant side, and coming in hot can have the opposite of your intended effect. Taking the time to build a little bit of rapport both before and after can allow for more healing.
3. Listen intently. You should be able to summarize the other person’s perspective of why an apology was warranted after the conversation. Showing you are active and engaged truly changes how people see you.
4. Avoid rationalizing and excuse-making, but feel free to provide context. It’s ok to tell people what else you have going on, but make sure that it allows for the other person’s perspective to feel valid and legitimate.
5. Remind people of why you care about each other. Sometimes difficult conversations bring people to more challenging places. Appealing to better angels can make it easier for things to go back to normal.
6. Take time to be composed when apologizing. You want to be non-reactive when you’re apologizing so you can actively listen. If you need to cool off, make sure to pay attention to how you’re feeling. Your mood can make a huge difference in how your perspective is viewed.