You tried to spark a friendship, went out on a limb, and someone didn’t appreciate your efforts. Maybe you’re freaking out. You don’t do this often, and it stings. It was painful feeling snubbed. Perhaps this is further proof that you are incapable of friendships, that you’re irredeemable or unlovable. Jeff, or whatever his name was, stared deeply into your soul and judged you unworthy. This thought process culminates in the conclusion that you belong in your room. Maybe video game friendships, isolation, and anime are all you deserve.
The first thing you should do is accept that you feel this way. Some element of your life has taught you to react this way. You’ve learned this way of reacting in the past, and before you try to investigate and intellectualize, it’s important to finish the reaction before you can look at the situation more objectively.
You may believe that obsessing about details of the chance encounter will help you. Therefore, focusing on the negative details and what you lack will be the way forward. This is often referred to as beating yourself up, because you chastise yourself for what’s gone wrong. If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked already. Instead, we should take a different pathway forward.
Let me congratulate you. Putting yourself out there takes courage. Many people rely on friendships they’ve made forever ago. They put up with their default situation, and don’t even fathom wanting to forge a brighter path. I wear my rejections as a badge of honor. Not every club wanted me, not every group included me, not everyone likes me. Each time I’ve gotten rejected, I’ve learned more about the people I’m more and less compatible with. Instead, you should feel heroic. Do you know many people who take action to improve their social skills? To grow into your best self? I don’t think so. The fact that you have this courage is a superpower, and one we’ll mold into glorious heights. Batman had to learn to fight. Maybe the comics don’t focus on it, but he’s gotten his ass beat before, and I think that’s a reason we love him.
The stories we tell about ourselves matter for our future actions. Reminding ourselves that we’re our heroes and character arcs take time, they build tension, anticipation, momentum before letting our hero shine.
You’ve got a default operating system, and it probably involves spiraling into your deep insecurities when you feel things have gone wrong. Fortunately, like computers, we can update our programs. Perhaps the most meaningful update we can use is adding curiosity to our mindsets.
This starts by re-examining the interaction, and moving beyond reaction to response. The person who rejected your efforts at friendship, what facts about you do they know? What did you do well in the interaction and why- what gave you the courage to ask? Why do you let this person decide how you feel about yourself? If you were advising someone else, what would you tell them? Worse people than me have friends (politicians anyone?), do they deserve better than me?
Ultimately, the questions we’re asking are trying to change the paradigm towards future action. We’re not going to change who we are, but we can change our behaviors. We can identify our successful behaviors, practice self-soothing, and continue to remind ourselves that we are worthy to continue to try.
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