Part of the reason that making friends in-person on the internet age is challenging is that the internet age lacks thoughtful moderation and synthesis. Anyone can have an opinion, any of the time, about anything. Unfortunately for us, there are more ways to be wrong than to be right. Worse, Hollywood, America’s royal family, seems to present friendship as merely circumstantial. To them, friendship is drinking buddies, competing for female attention, or subtext for being gay. Isn’t that telling? Regardless of why popular info-tainment about friendship is wrong, instead let’s review 10 common myths, and share some light on why they’re incorrect.
Myth 1: Things will just get better. Isolation is temporary.
People don’t ‘fall’ into friendships by accident. Instead, they do things that lend themselves to making friends and getting to know people. Social skills are a muscle, and muscles that aren’t used atrophy.
Myth 2: I can’t make real friends as an adult.
This might be a lie you’re telling yourself in order to avoid the fear of practicing your social skills. I’ve made many friends doing things I would do anyway, such as going grocery shopping, training for a marathon, traveling via train, studying at the library.
Myth 3: You’re a special example. I can’t make friends, I have something wrong with me.
Play along with me for a second. I’ll have a stutter, tourettes, maybe be horribly ugly. You’re so unbelievably lonely- after all you bought this book- I bet you’d be willing to be friends with me. You probably overestimate your flaws, and whisper insecurities into your head because you’re scared of rejection. The truth is, a lot of men are lonely and scared. Many guys, even ones without major deficiencies would kill for a chance to get to know you.
Myth 4: People won’t have anything in common with me, I’ll be no one’s cup of tea.
One of the wonderful things about friendship is that you shouldn’t have everything in common. Otherwise, you’d both be lame dull Decepticons. Your interests, no matter how niche, are probably shared by thousands. I enjoy canned sardines. Would you believe that there’s a subreddit devoted to them that has over 95,000 followers? We can turn your interests into actionable plans to make new friends.
Myth 5: I try so hard, but I’ve only failed before. I know it’s too late for me.
Have you ever tried to push a screw into a wall with your bare hands? No matter how hard you try, it refuses to budge. This is because your hand is the wrong tool, and maybe a drill or a screwdriver might be one more appropriate to hang the Salvador Dali painting. If you’ve been struggling to make friends, it’s largely because you most likely have the wrong toolkit. No one, except for maybe Mike Tyson can push that screw in without the right tools. Fortunately for us, we can learn to use the right tools to befriend others.
Myth 6: Making the first move would make me look desperate.
Instead of you looking desperate, being the first to take initiative makes you look confident and cool. It takes swagger to let others know that you enjoy their company, and most people appreciate not having to take the first step.
Myth 7: I’m awkward and have social anxiety. They’ll hate me.
People love self-awareness. Acknowledging that you have social struggles, rather than pushing people away, makes it easier for them to relate to you and become more comfortable. Plus, many peoples’ favorite conversation topic is themselves, and being eager to listen is always a plus.
Myth 8: I’m not into sports or ‘alpha’, I won’t be respected.
Rather than trying to be stereotypical, instead recognize that you can bond with others over any shared interest, from art to table tennis to board games. Trying too hard to be aggressive pushes people away. Harvey Specter is not someone who would be pleasant to be friends with in real-life.
Myth 9: Friendships with men and women are similar
Male friendships are substantively different than female friendships. Men bond over shared (side-to-side) activities whereas women tend to bond through face-to-face activities. This means that group activities may be more comfortable for guys.
Myth 10: TBD
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